Beyond my impending senility, the other reason I am distracted...

My dog is dying

Warning the following is a maudlin rambling about my dog, and his impact on me.  

Also if it reads like it is a little disjointed well, so am I right now.

It is a terrible time. He is 16 and is showing it. Lately, we have seen a more rapid decline in in his health. He has always been awkward, walking with a limp, never able to go up or down stairs, all due to an injury early in life. However we now see him having trouble standing up, or remaining upright. He still has an appetite, does not seem to be in pain, but he is in that final decline. 

His fate weighs upon me, that ultimate decision hangs over my head. It impacts my daily life, as I await that sad moment. Until recently, I could sometimes lose myself in the hobby, stay focused on the  hobby, block out bad thoughts. But it all kind of hit me this weekend, and I find I can barely type this, let alone work on anything, hobby or otherwise.  

Hamish has been with me since 2005. He came during my ongoing decline from the events of  2004, a terrible year in my life, a year against which I compare any other 'bad' year, none surpass it.

The year 2004 started with a pet death. Then, my mother was found to have a brain tumor, incurable, and little time for us to react. By May, she was dead from this tumor. Also in May I had a head on collision (car totaled, some flesh wounds) while on my way to visit my mother, prior to her death.

Then my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's something my mother had managed to hide form us, just as she had hidden her brain tumor. My mother on her death bed had insisted that our father be placed in a home. My siblings and I were shocked & rejected the notion, but soon discovered the truth. The two of them went into a residence and it was there that my mother died. The family home was then sold while my father remained in a residence. 

By the end of the year my wife and I separated. However neither of us could afford to move out right away, not until our house was sold, so even though we resided under the same roof, we were separated.

The year 2004 was not a good year, but 2005 would bring Hamish into my life.

Hamish was/is a rescue dog. As a puppy he was injured when he tumbled down some stairs, his back left leg was broken. The original owners, when, faced with the Veterinarians estimate decided, it was cheaper just to get a new dog, and have Hamish put down. Thankfully my wife was contacted by the Vets office (she knew people in the dog world & they knew her), and the owners were brought back in to sign paperwork rescinding the death sentence, and allowing the puppy to instead be fostered pending an adoption. Well, while we did foster him it was pretty much a given that he was a keeper.

First picture of Hamish, you can see the scar/shaved area on his left back leg

As you can see, he was quite the looker😏He did eventually, grow into those ears, but it took many years. He always seemed a little sound sensitive, who wouldn't with those radar dishes. So he stayed with us, and when the divorce reached that critical who gets what pet, Hamish and two cats (Greymalkin & Nalla) came with me the other cat and 4 dogs went with the ex. It was her insistence that I take Hamish, it seems she knew that Hamish and I needed to be together. There were no kids to split up just the furry kids. Yes it was that type of house, but we lived in the country on 10 acres so, you know. Now, until my marriage, I had never had a dog, my family had had one cat, many years ago, but that was it, no large menagerie of animal. But, somehow during the course of 15 1/2 years we had acquired all these animals, just kind of happened.    

He also grew into that snout June 2005

 

So I was not certain that I should take on the responsibility of a dog, given the upheavals in my life, given that the ex had dealt with the dogs up until now, and given that I was single and taking on a new role at work. But take him I did, and it has been a joy to have had him in my life. 

The tilted dog summer 2005

 

He never lost that crooked gait

Nalla & Hamish after the move

Typical play time.

 

Me as a chew toy!

End of the day

Time for a walk

                                         

                                            With small dog comes great responsibility.

The presence of Hamish changed my life. With him I had to take on a degree of responsibility for another life. I had never walked the other dogs, not by myself. Hamish was my responsibility, he needed me, and I needed him. I had avoided any such responsibility throughout my life. No kids, no deep commitments, a distant, aloof, and emotionally stunted family relationship with my parents and siblings I was...reserved, and unemotional. A dog is different than a cat, there is more of a sense that they need you. With a dog, well you just have to be involved, you have to take him out, exercise him etc. Cats seem more self sufficient. Having a dog meant that I had could not just sit a pout, I had to get up, I hd to walk him, to get outside.

I learned to appreciate those walks, the quiet times, & the not so quiet times. When we met other dog owners & their dogs it was my socialization time as much as it was for Hamish. You see I have always been an introvert, a recluse. I do not open up much, not a gregarious person. But a dog like Hamish...

...certainly helped get conversations going.

                    I may have saved him, having him around certainly made me a better person.

 

 His last Christmas 2019

The best toy ever, he would endlessly play with this treat ball all his life. It kept him busy when I left for work. He played with this just the week before the end.